Chapter 15 - Resist and Persist
I'm not sure when exactly I realized that the effects of my childhood would persist even when I caught up in algebra.
Sure, I had a general understanding that the abuse I suffered would continue to impact my life, but generally, I counted myself lucky. All around me, I saw friends struggling with disordered eating, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. Then, there was me. Fully functioning on even the worst day. I didn't understand the nature of trauma, yet was certain I'd already overcome it.
During the process of my divorce, I saw myself repeat the dreaded cycle of abusive relationships. I felt tremendous shame, even denial. I didn't want to admit to anyone that Trevor was abusive. I said it just didn't work out. I blamed myself for the relationship as much as I did for its ending.
I still didn't know about trauma or trauma therapy, so I focused on the details. I promised myself I would never again rush into a relationship. Next time, I date the person for a year before agreeing to marriage.
I was still quite religious and never considered it an option to break Sabbath observance or eat non-kosher food. Despite repeated trauma, marriage remained a primary focus in my life.
As my fellow seniors prepared for graduation, I faced it with trepidation. None of my family was coming. No one would bring me flowers, balloons, or jewellery to celebrate this occasion. Not my grandparents who lived in the same city, nor my aunts or uncles who long turned their backs. I alone worked SO hard for this achievement; it almost felt fitting that I would celebrate it on my own, too.
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