T. proposed at 2 a.m. on the night I returned with Sarah from our trip to visit her family in Maryland. He took me to a dark parkette at the end of a trail and gave me roses then asked me to marry him. The ring was a solitaire setting which is my taste though it was white - not yellow gold. I remember feeling both underwhelmed and thrilled. He said he couldnāt wait to ask me. But it almost felt like our romance was fizzling out and he was trying to save it because thatās what he thought he should do.
The next few months were full of warning signs. I planned the wedding with T.ās mom and sisters while he was hardly involved. We hardly ever went out alone anymore either. He always wanted to hang with his friends and drinkāwhether at a bar or in a friendās basement or in his tiny room or in the yard. He was a walking advertisement of not-ready-for marriage-anytime-soonāobsessed with guns, alcohol, and fast cars. He carried a concealed handgun without a carry permit. I was the final accessory, on hand if he wanted to make out or show me off.
I felt my sense of self-worth slipping away. But didnāt want to lose my new family.Ā
During our three-month engagement, T. twice confessed something to me. He would preface the conversations by saying heād understand if I hate him or if I wanted to break it off. He then told me that before we started dating, he was dating a stripper he met at a club. He said she was kinda crazy but he found her hot though he finally decided to break it off. I don't think he was going to ever tell me, but one of his friends teased him about her in front of meāand though it went completely over my headāhe was worried Iād find out. He also made me swear to never tell anyoneāespecially his parents.Ā
The next time it was to tell me that heād done cocaine, twice.
In both instances, he was clearly terrified of his parents finding him out. I couldnāt figure out why he desperately needed to hide massive parts of his life from his parents. They seemed to love him unconditionally. Every young person in our cohort knew he slept around, but heaven forbid his parents should think he wasn't saving it for marriageāor that he experimented with the same drug half used by half the kids from his Jewish high school.Ā Ā
Was he baiting me hoping Iād break it off? While he was ashamed of sleeping around and doing drugs, I was ashamed at the idea of a broken engagement. Plus, I didn't think either of these ātransgressionsā made him a bad person!
My hopes renewed as the wedding date neared. His family was excited, and my friends were excited. I allowed myself to get swept up in it. I cried into my siddur as I walked down the aisle. But they were tears of happiness and of prayer. We truly celebrated that night and I believed everything would be OK.Ā
We got to the hotel room and I began the tedious task of pulling the many pins out of my hairdo when T. announced he was going to check on his friends. I Was shocked when he left me alone. We just got married. I was standing there a gorgeous bride who would make any man jealous and he just walked out on me to smoke weed and drink with his buddies. He came back sometime later and we had sex. It felt forced and awkward. I was already being taken for granted.Ā
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