Ask—don't tell.

Trauma survivors are painfully aware of how their past influences their present

Ever had someone announce their opinion of your life choices with the confidence and bravado of a 1920s psychoanalyst? It happens to trauma survivors all. the. time.

"I'm sure it's reallllly healing for you to marry a guy like that who can protect you."

"No wonder you were drawn to martial arts after you felt helpless against physical violence for your entire childhood."

"It's completely understandable that you left religious practice behind. It must be associated with so much trauma."

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Brilliant I tell ya.

I'm not even saying they're wrong. Trauma survivors are typically painfully aware of how their past influences their present.

Making these assessments and sharing them with a survivor is NOT empowering. It is condescending and further reduces the sense of personal control we desperately need to positively steer our lives.

The alternative? Don't pretend to understand someone's life. At the very least, don't be so presumptive as to share your thoughts aloud.

If a trauma survivor has chosen to discuss their life with you, you can try the most simple active listening tool—a question: "What drew you to that?" "How did you end up doing this?" (dear God don’t say “how does this make you feel?”)

Most people want to understand themselves better. Self-awareness is especially critical for trauma survivors. It's actually a huge piece of our inherent struggle. We question our own minds because of the damaging messages we've internalized—that we aren’t capable enough, good enough, or worthy enough. That our trauma is somehow our own fault. We are waging a battle to trust ourselves—possibly for the first time in our lives. Asking questions (when invited into conversation) is a respectful way to support us through this process. You can give the gift of space allowing us to verbalize and self-affirm.

This is a thank you to the friends (and occasional strangers) who have held such space for me. 🙏